Push Button Therapy - I Do What the Voices Tell Me

2012-01-25T06:32:00.000-08:00

I recently found myself doing something I swore I never wanted to do.

That is bag on the younger generation of magi for being well.. retarded at times. I always said I wouldn't be "that guy" who thought magic was done in a certain way or style.

Just because I don't get it or understand it (or like it) doesn't mean I shouldn't be encouraging of whatever emo-hipster-etc props/music/ideals they use in their magic.

There has always been an elegance to magic and some minor practices I think should be upheld but the ones who want to will find it and it's not up to me to get annoyed and push what I think is "magic" on them.

Dammit I'm better than that.

2012-01-18T15:00:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I just wanna give up....

But I can't.

2012-01-06T02:10:00.000-08:00

There are days that make me wonder if I am doing everything wrong by doing it my way. My act I mean. The way I want to perform. I don't like the feeling of getting blown off just because someone doesn't "get" my material. I guess I believe in giving people a chance because so many people have never given me one. Some of that thankfully changed when I moved to Vegas, but not entirely.

To be fair I have to agree with something someone told me a while back: "You can't get every gig". It just sucks not to get one in your hometown when everyone else is.

2012-01-03T15:29:00.001-08:00

I'm grateful when someone says I'm one of the more creative people they have seen in magic, but I never feel it's that big a deal. There are actually a LOT of creative people in magic. Some I feel far more clever than I. I'm just glad there are people who like what I do.

(Just to clarify I am not now nor ever down on what I do, I just don't think one way or the other about what I do. I am however confident in myself and my abilities.)

2011-10-31T17:36:00.001-07:00

I have never been the kind of performer who craves applause. I'm not in this business for the gratification or acceptance.

That being said getting lots of applause always makes me uneasy. I don't know what to do. Standing there and smiling like an idiot feels weird. I know yer supposed to bask in it because they want to reward you in the way they are supposed to but it totally throws me.

I wonder if other performers go thru this?

2011-07-09T01:51:00.000-07:00

Does it make me a bad person that when some person who is in the position as an act booker for various venues (who has denied me a job because my act isn't full of doves or linking rings) dies I think, "Good. One less close minded bastard gone"?

Even if it does I don't care. These people who just want to keep bringing in the same old crap into conventions and venues has to stop. You want younger people at your gatherings? Hire some fresh blood you idiots!

I'm not bitter I swear.

2011-04-29T00:38:00.000-07:00

Sometimes it sucks feeling like or being the most professional person on a project. Is it too much to ask for good lighting, visibility, and maybe some sound cues?

2011-04-15T19:31:00.001-07:00

The magic business is a fickle whore. They love you for as long as it takes for the next new thing to come out. We are flooded with so much crap I sometimes wonder why I even bother to put out my ideas.

The worst part is the way to get known in magic now is to release products. Just load up the shotgun, fire, and see what sticks. It doesn't all have to be good.

It's kind of dis-heartening. What ever happened to good old fashioned talent? Pretty sure the internet bears the burden of some of the blame.

2011-02-07T20:55:00.000-08:00

I just saw a magic show that made me question why I do what id o. Not because it was good, but because it was that bad.

Is this what I am up against? Those with the biggest bank account survive? Those with the hackiest act sand best promo make the top of the pile?

Moments of doubt flood my mind. Brain beavers damning up my thoughts.

2011-01-27T19:53:00.001-08:00

It's weird to me that something I created is being enjoyed by so many. I always wanted to make an impact on the magic world and in some small ways thus far I guess I have.

2010-12-25T03:46:00.000-08:00

Sometimes having a prop making business is fun.. other times it's not. Such as when you break something and have to remake it.. 2 or 3 times. I'm ok doing this for myself, but sometimes I wish I charged more. I might start. However until then I just have to get thru all of this weirdness of the "side gig".

Creativity, thou art a harsh mistress.

2010-10-22T14:48:00.000-07:00

I don't post here much because I don't have that much I don't share elsewhere. However, there are times when I have to wonder if the journey is all worth it, and if it is... what happens when I get to where I am going?

2010-08-28T14:33:00.000-07:00

It's so weird to watch people creating ideas so uninhibited by reality in front of your very eyes, it makes you feel like an amateur.

2010-07-05T16:19:00.000-07:00

It's always kinda saddened me that a number of my friends who are very creative and good performers just never really had the gumption (Yes I did just use that word back off) to peruse anything outside of their comfort zone.

You can only try to encourage so much before you just have to let them sit still.

Weird.

2010-06-16T05:01:00.000-07:00

I miss looking thru magic catalogs and circling things I might want someday. *sigh*

2010-04-07T05:53:00.000-07:00

I consider myself lucky to have gotten to meet, perform with, and sometimes be friends with those who I see as visionaries in the art of magic. Those who do things a little bit differently. The guys who I watched on TV in my youth who showed me that magic isn't just tuxes, doves, and big silly boxes.

I can never express my gratitude to those people without sounding like an utter tard, so here I say a collective thank you and tip of my red hat to those who have taken it upon themselves to make this world a more awesome place and give a humble optical illusionist a chance every now and again.

May we all find what we're looking for in the end.

2010-01-20T05:23:00.000-08:00

Sometimes it seems odd to me that we can be so passionate about something as trivial as magic... or even entertainment. Then I realize that it's because we actually care and to have something you love so much you will speak your mind on it to anyone who asks is a beautiful thing.

Live, love, feel, and by all means care about something.

2010-01-14T18:37:00.000-08:00

It's nice to know that I can still get excited over a new/original/unique idea in magic to this day. I LIVE for those moments where something is so cool it almost gives you chills because you can picture it and know how awesome it is. Be it from something of my own or my friends... today was the latter and I'm excited for him.

2009-12-18T16:44:00.000-08:00

There are a number or pros out there who will tell you that working for free is silly if you want to be taken seriously. They might even sneer at you a bit if you mention you are going to do it for some event or reason they don't care for or understand.

Last night I went out and did such a thing. I was on the bill with people who have been on international TV, won awards, and in many of their own rights are legends in history. For someone like me, who ain't shit in the magic world, to be associated with those folks and allowed to bring my special brand of craziness to a room full of receptive strangers was well worth it. Sometimes I would rather have a memory and a good time instead of a paycheck. (Luckily enough for me I have the freedom to choose these times for myself)

Sometimes a good cause is defined by you just cause' I guess.

2009-11-23T23:31:00.000-08:00

I am working on a project for someone. They have some letters of recommendation that need to be scanned in to the computer. I got to reading them and it just solidified my lack of understanding for using them unless asked. I have not ONCE been asked for references or letters to prove I need to be hired.

I like to believe I live in a world where one's art speaks for itself, not some piece of paper that ANYONE could have written for you. I'd like to believe that, but I know better.

2009-11-21T03:19:00.001-08:00

Sometimes it really gets to me that I don't perform anywhere NEAR as much as most of the people I know do. I know it's mostly my own fault for being so damn procrastinative. (I don't think that is a word. Spell checker agrees.) However, it still sucks BUT I get to create and that keeps me happy. I don't want to be rich, just not worry. I think I have found that so far. Will someone shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what's next?

2009-11-20T01:52:00.000-08:00

The more I think about it, the more I don't like the concept of magic distributors. I understand they serve a purpose and fill a need, but I think too many middlemen can be a bad thing.

2009-08-16T05:28:00.000-07:00

Magic is a weird animal. If you are not with the "in" crowd, you miss out on a lot.

Bizzaro.

2009-08-02T19:38:00.000-07:00

A few things...

Last night I did an effect in which a chosen cards end up on a milk carton replacing the photo of a missing child. (it's funnier than it reads) In the grand scheme of things it's a nothing effect BUT it got a great reaction. Now it's probably because of the structure of the effect and possibly my performance style, but it just amuses me that something so simple plays SO well.

Also, completely unrelated to the above, 30+ years in the making, yet no one had ever figured it out. Why am I the guy?

Bizzaro.

2009-06-14T22:56:00.000-07:00

I have apparently lost my will to do magic anymore. This last week in New Jersey made me just... not care anymore. Quite possibly the blame lies on the fact I am still not feeling well from getting sick out there, but if that was any indication of the kind of stuff that touring and doing magic for a living in the long run has in store... I think I need a break.

Bizzaro.

2009-05-24T04:03:00.000-07:00

So tonight I was talking to a friend of mine about how I don't understand how some performers can look at their material and think, "good enough is good enough".

How could you not want your material to be the best it can be? I just don't fucking get it. I police my stuff pretty heavily and always looking at it to see how it can be the best it can be.

Most of my personal contact with magicians has been with like minded performers who strive to make their art the best it can be. Talking theory and new methods and... and... now.... Vegas. 4 good shows and about 5-7 BAD ones. Ones that can be improved by SIMPLE things, but they don't, nay WON'T do anything about it.

I'm not saying my magic is the end all be all and hold it up as an example but damn...

I guess the best way to look at it is: the more they suck the better I look... but the more magic as a whole suffers in the eyes of others.

Cest' la vie

2009-05-22T19:14:00.000-07:00

There is nothing better than the feeling of constructing your own props and having them WORK! Very cathartic, especially on the days you are doing nothing and feel generally bored and/or worthless.

Try it sometime.

Bizzaro.

2009-05-17T02:01:00.000-07:00

I'm very passionate about what I do. Don't ask me why. I Just am. It's the same weird wiring that makes someone passionate about being an accountant or a mime. When I see someone do an effect or routine, and I think of something that might help them, I like to share.

I know a LOT of people don't like to be "nudged" about their art (especially when you first meet them). Problem is I can't help it. I have no filter that stops me from... sharing. I want people to be better. I actually know something about performing and stage production and entertainment (But I'd never tell anyone out loud. Sounds too egotistical) I just want to help. Unfortunately, not everyone wants it.

I have lately been getting the impression my advice isn't really wanted as much as I like to dish it out, so I might try to reign it in a bit. Keep this shit to myself. Start charging for it.... but creative consultant? It seems all too damned silly if yah ask me.

Bleah.

Bizzaro.

2009-05-02T04:06:00.000-07:00

So tonight while in the shower I considered putting out a DVD on my own advancements in the art of multiplying balls. I need to find out if anyone would be interested in it.

I think I would call it Mitosis.

Bizzaro.

2009-04-23T03:27:00.000-07:00

It's weird. A lot of people tell me I am creative and original etc... tho' I look at my show and realize I use a fair amount of props, ideas, and gags that have been around for ages. Is it because I dress them up nice, slap some make-up on em', and take them out for a nice night on the town?

Is it because I am not using linking rings, and cups and balls, and doing the same standard magic in a suit and tie? Is it because I focus more on the presentation than the tricks themselves?

I honestly have NO idea... but I guess I am doing something right.

Might as well keep doing it.

Bizzaro.

2009-03-22T03:49:00.000-07:00

Doing these weekly gigs gives one time to reflect during the week. Tonight I got to wondering if my show is really any better than any other show in this town. I can't hold a candle to Mac King, however, my angle is nothing like his. My show is a one act play almost.

Problem is I don't think much of what I do. I don't mean I lack faith in my skills or art, I just don't think positive nor negative about what I do. It's just what I do and I do what I do. (Hmmm, I feel one word away from being a greenery eating sailor) So I sometimes question what makes me and my show just so damn special or worthy.

Like, why should anyone care about me and my little corner of the world yah know? I suppose that is not for me to question and just accept that people will like what I do.. or not. Tis' the nature of the spinning globe.

I sally forth regardless. There might be more creative guys out there or better performers, but hey, none of them are me yah know?

Suppose that will have to do.

Bizzaro.

2009-03-13T03:54:00.001-07:00

I like to be creative. Simple enuff right?

It's why I have so many interests. I need to stay creative or I start scouting clock tower locations and pricing rifles. I truly enjoy the problem solving that comes with creating new magic. Same goes for video editing and graphic design. When you think of something and go, "Now how would I do this" (Not not how do you do this, but how do I do this.. big difference there) and then go forth with reckless abandon and make something that is truly your vision, it's a good feeling.

It's also the reason I like to help other people in magic. I like to help other create. Give them ideas and whatnot. I like to offer up advice to total strangers when I have an amusing idea that might work for them. It's almost like a muscle that you need to work out with to make sure it stays in shape. I have ideas all the time that may not be right for me but could totally work for someone else... and I relish that. No one has to take my ideas or advice, but I will give them freely and gladly (usually).

It also helps me develop ideas for myself sometimes. Writing routines and shows and trick plots for someone gives me ideas as well. Creating new contraptions can give me a new mental rolodex index for something else I might need down the line.

So I like to create. It's what I do.

Too bad I can't color inside the lines still...

Bizzaro.

2009-02-18T03:14:00.000-08:00

Sometimes something comes along to help you remember why you go thru the heartache and torment of trying to do something you love and believe in.

Don't give up on your dreams folks.

It's not worth it.

Bizzaro.

2009-01-29T01:23:00.001-08:00

Today I have slipped boldly from angst to anger. The three stages of magic. The third remains to be seen.

Bizzaro.

No talking, just head...

2009-01-27T22:19:00.000-08:00

I was talking to another performer today and it hit me. I don't think I have the right mind set to work in the entertainment business. I don't desire the same goals as other people. Money isn't my motivation. The things I want are just too... easy. I want to do something I enjoy and get paid to do it, and share it with someone.

I am doing that. However, I would like to do more of the former. I would like to work more, however I suck at the business side of things. I however do not desire a nice house or car or stacks of cash. Just wanna make a living. Nothing fancy required. Problem is, in this business that don't fly. You have to have goals, and projected income, and something that drives you other than... art.

So I am heavily considering just focusing my interests in a new direction and pursuing something else like voice acting. I just don't seem to be cut out for the games that people play in the business.

We shall see....

Bizzaro.

I can see clearly now..

2009-01-22T16:46:00.000-08:00

The clouds are gone. They have descended upon me and devoured my dreams.

.. or some goth/emo shit like that. It's funny, I was thinking about something today whilst brushing my teeth. I realized I am a novelty novelty act. Magic is indeed a novelty to most people and my approach is even more so. To try and stand out in a sea of mediocrity is one thing, but to be lost in it is another. Sometimes being able to fit into a defined space... a neat tidy little box has it's advantages.

I watch performers like this and realize what I am up against. Not the magician himself but the world's perception of what I do for a living. I refuse to do the whole "lookit me, I'ma majishen" thing... and I'm not cute enuff to pull off dove magic. In all honesty, if I was willing to work as hard at the business side of things as I am the art side, I'd prolly be ok.

I don't try and second guess myself about what I do, but sometimes these things worm their way into your head and you have to ride it out. Doubt is the whorespring from which there is no return should you immerse yourself in it.

"These dreams go on when I close my eyes" - Heart

Bizzaro.

2008-12-23T02:20:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I feel like a big ol' Hypocrite. As much as I am against the capitalism mind set of the magic community, I still sell my ideas just like everyone else. If I truly practiced what I preached I would give away my products and secrets... however when in Rome, is it right to do what the Romans do?

I know from experience how easy it is to make a quick buck off the wholesalers. It's quick cash, especially if you have a known name. I do try to keep my prices down to keep them in the range of affordability for those interested. I don't mass market everything I release. However, there are times when I feel no better than those whose interests fall well beyond that of furthering the art.

I don't think there is a right answer. I suppose I just have to keep my eyes to the front and keep it all in perspective.

2008-12-08T19:58:00.001-08:00

The entertainment business is a fickle bitch. There are times I consider just focusing on my other interests. I wonder if magic is going to pan out the way I hope. After so many years of trying so very hard to do what I do, I wonder if it's all worth it.

This business has so many games you have to play. So many hoops they want you to jump thru. There has to be a light at the end of the tunnel right? I mean we are spoonfed happy endings and hard work and faith will get you thru life... but that's not the truth is it. The cold terrible truth is sometimes, it's just not in the cards for you to win.. ever. At least it feels that way from time to time.

Why is it so many hack egomaniacs get farther than those who just wanna make the world a brighter place? Simple. Us artist types are easy to overlook, step on, and sometimes lack the fundamental business drive that drives this business. It sucks too. There has to be a happy medium somewhere. I know there is a market for everything... but finding it is a hard battle. Trying to stand out from the crowd works great and might get you some admiration (if yer into that sort of thing) but if you don't know how to apply it and no one wants to lend a helping hand... well yer kinda screwed.

One of my biggest pseudo-fears is that I will be more appreciated after I am dead than alive. Like Van Gogh or The Ramones. I know it's silly, but this business will do that to you. It's why so many other performers have other jobs or just up and leave and make better money doing Red Skelton impersonations. On has to wonder... is this the right course of action?

Alas, the only person who knows that answer... is us.

I suppose introductions are in order...

2008-11-25T05:28:00.001-08:00

Let me tell you a little about me and what this journal is going to be about. The other wordy place I keep is geared towards ranting and advice to others with the occasional bit of silly thrown in for good measure. It was never meant to be about me in any way shape or form... merely those things I dubbed worthy of my mention, as it were.

This place will be on the flip side of that concept. Here you will read my thoughts about the journey thru my chosen field. How I feel, why I feel so, and whatever else strikes my fancy. Let's start off with a little introduction shall we?

Greetings. My name is Bizzaro and I love magic. It's true. I love the concept of creating and solving problems to create unique visuals that will bring elation to someone else. Mind you I am not too keen on many of my co-workers. Those who are perpetrating the stereotype and taking two steps back for every one the rest of us accomplish.

People often ask someone in my field what got one into the field of prestidigitation. I tell them the reason one gets into it and the reason one stays are usually two totally different accounts. I personally stick around because I like to make other people happy. It is my purpose. (Mind you, I am not so lost in this so-called purpose that I lose sight of my own happiness in the process) So I plod on forward, in hopes that my efforts go noticed and some people come away feeling better and maybe their eyes a little more open.

Ever seen the movie V for Vendetta? If not, stop reading this and go rent, buy, download, etc this film. It ranks right up there with Pump up the Volume and SLC Punk for movies that might just squeegee your third eye open to certain ideals and concepts.

The idea of being passionate and standing up for something you believe in is lost in our society today. Too easy to give in for fear of retribution in some form or another. Never and I repeat this with every fiber in my little black heart, NEVER give up what you believe in because someone else might say so. Nothing will EVER stop me from saying what I feel or expressing what I believe. Nothing short of death will prevent me from expressing myself in the way I choose.

Are my views right? Hell no. Are they wrong? Only if you disagree with them. However if you leave me be, I won't tread on you. There is a place for all of us, however small that place might be. All we need is an inch of space to stand, and with that inch we can stand for so much in ourselves and the world around us.

I have no illusions as to what I do. I am an entertainer. Nothing more. I will never cure some great disease with card tricks, but maybe I can ease the pain and suffering of someone for just a moment because I believe in something far greater than the patch of land in which I stand at the moment.

This is my place to keep these thoughts. If you find something you like, keep it close to your heart. Never forget to be true to who you are and never give up, never surrender.

Be whoever you are...

Bizzaro.