The more I see others successes, the more I realize I should hang up my fedora and just lay down and die. I don't have the damage or drive to do anything amazing. I will always be, as the kids say, Mid.This world rewards obsession and without it, one is doomed to just spinning their wheels. Being too "safe" gets you no where and the squeakiest of wheels with parental issues get the grease. 

I am already moving farther and farther away from the magic world and one day it will be a distant memory. After that who knows. Maybe I will just be one of those sad bastards on Twitch playing video games for 5 people.

I feel I will never create anything "great". I will always be a mediocre artist. That doesn't mean I won't try to make something great, but I know my limitations (mainly being myself) will always impede me. I am not damaged enough to make the world "love me".

I'm fairly fucking sick of the "pro" magic community pretty much ignoring me. It's getting old and it's just another log on the fire of why I am slowly walking away from magic and moving more towards the escape room business. I'm pretty fucking sterile from all the kicks to the balls I have had to endure in this business.

Sometimes I get really depressed and/or angry watching people who have little to no regard for magic or entertainment, stepping on others to get the fame/ attention they so desperately crave.

Then it just gets worse when I realize I will never go much further with my career because I am not motivated or damaged enough. On the upside I can sleep really well knowing I am not a scumbag taker who preys upon the generosity of others.

I think in the shower a lot. Tonight I realized that successful people are exploited people. They have some trait that make them desirable by others who want something from them. I clearly have nothing to exploit in the eyes of the world.

With that said, I have decided to stop expending my time and resources on my performing career. I will keep doing it but I won't "advertise" as it were. Call it a soft-retirement. I haven't been happy with my career or the state of the entertainment world in a couple years. Thus I have recently decided to instead focus on prop building. It brings me the same joy with less of the frustrations.

I feel I accomplished a lot of what I set out to do with magic and it's time to do other things. Guess it's time to see where that takes me. Might not write here for a while because of this decision but we'll see.

There are days I feel like I am just mediocre at a lot of things and don't excel in any one thing.

Today is one of those days.

I spent so long being a nobody in this business that it's kinda odd to be "somebody" at a magic convention.

Praise always makes uncomfortable sometimes.