A confession...

I'm pretty sure I will never be considered a top-tier performer.

Why do you think that you might ask? Lack of opportunities. I didn't come up with a particular group of performers. No one will take a chance on my style of act very often. I suck at the business side of it all because my passion does not lie in that direction.

I see many great performers who have honed their material because they have been able to get out there and work constantly (or close to it). I fear I will forever wallow in mediocrity for the rest of my career because I just haven't gotten lucky or applied myself properly.

Does it suck? yes. Is a chunk of it my own damn fault? Absolutely. Have I come to grips with it and that means I am just gonna give up? Fuck no.

It's just damned depressing some nights.

The longer I am in magic the more and more irritated I get by magicians and just want to do my own thing and shy away from everyone else in my "profession".

A friend of mine has told me a couple times that I should be more like one person or the other. The problem is that those other unnamed people already exist. These kind of comments are taken with a grain of salt when said person who told me this can't make-up their own mind on who THEY are.

The problem is they want to be like other people and so they try to urge others to not be themselves as it were.

I hate magicians sometimes...

I wonder if anyone would notice if I just silently dropped out of the magic world entirely...

Well fuck me...

Just got told by a higher up in a venue here that my performances lack polish. This is quite upsetting after 20+ years of performing. Makes one want to just quit and cancel all your upcoming gigs.

Nothing fucks up my day more than waking up to an email that effectively says "You're not good enough". If this was 10 years or so ago I'd be pissed. Now I'm just depressed.

Not so much because he said it but because now I am forced to think they might be right...

If you do kids parties or the like, you are not one of my peers and I refuse to be judged by you.

I fear I might forever be lost behind the scenes....

It's good to know that even the hobbyist magicians in other countries are shallow jerks.