There are a number or pros out there who will tell you that working for free is silly if you want to be taken seriously. They might even sneer at you a bit if you mention you are going to do it for some event or reason they don't care for or understand.

Last night I went out and did such a thing. I was on the bill with people who have been on international TV, won awards, and in many of their own rights are legends in history. For someone like me, who ain't shit in the magic world, to be associated with those folks and allowed to bring my special brand of craziness to a room full of receptive strangers was well worth it. Sometimes I would rather have a memory and a good time instead of a paycheck. (Luckily enough for me I have the freedom to choose these times for myself)

Sometimes a good cause is defined by you just cause' I guess.

I am working on a project for someone. They have some letters of recommendation that need to be scanned in to the computer. I got to reading them and it just solidified my lack of understanding for using them unless asked. I have not ONCE been asked for references or letters to prove I need to be hired.

I like to believe I live in a world where one's art speaks for itself, not some piece of paper that ANYONE could have written for you. I'd like to believe that, but I know better.

Sometimes it really gets to me that I don't perform anywhere NEAR as much as most of the people I know do. I know it's mostly my own fault for being so damn procrastinative. (I don't think that is a word. Spell checker agrees.) However, it still sucks BUT I get to create and that keeps me happy. I don't want to be rich, just not worry. I think I have found that so far. Will someone shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what's next?

The more I think about it, the more I don't like the concept of magic distributors. I understand they serve a purpose and fill a need, but I think too many middlemen can be a bad thing.

Magic is a weird animal. If you are not with the "in" crowd, you miss out on a lot.

Bizzaro.

A few things...

Last night I did an effect in which a chosen cards end up on a milk carton replacing the photo of a missing child. (it's funnier than it reads) In the grand scheme of things it's a nothing effect BUT it got a great reaction. Now it's probably because of the structure of the effect and possibly my performance style, but it just amuses me that something so simple plays SO well.

Also, completely unrelated to the above, 30+ years in the making, yet no one had ever figured it out. Why am I the guy?

Bizzaro.

I have apparently lost my will to do magic anymore. This last week in New Jersey made me just... not care anymore. Quite possibly the blame lies on the fact I am still not feeling well from getting sick out there, but if that was any indication of the kind of stuff that touring and doing magic for a living in the long run has in store... I think I need a break.

Bizzaro.

So tonight I was talking to a friend of mine about how I don't understand how some performers can look at their material and think, "good enough is good enough".

How could you not want your material to be the best it can be? I just don't fucking get it. I police my stuff pretty heavily and always looking at it to see how it can be the best it can be.

Most of my personal contact with magicians has been with like minded performers who strive to make their art the best it can be. Talking theory and new methods and... and... now.... Vegas. 4 good shows and about 5-7 BAD ones. Ones that can be improved by SIMPLE things, but they don't, nay WON'T do anything about it.

I'm not saying my magic is the end all be all and hold it up as an example but damn...

I guess the best way to look at it is: the more they suck the better I look... but the more magic as a whole suffers in the eyes of others.

Cest' la vie

There is nothing better than the feeling of constructing your own props and having them WORK! Very cathartic, especially on the days you are doing nothing and feel generally bored and/or worthless.

Try it sometime.

Bizzaro.

I'm very passionate about what I do. Don't ask me why. I Just am. It's the same weird wiring that makes someone passionate about being an accountant or a mime. When I see someone do an effect or routine, and I think of something that might help them, I like to share.

I know a LOT of people don't like to be "nudged" about their art (especially when you first meet them). Problem is I can't help it. I have no filter that stops me from... sharing. I want people to be better. I actually know something about performing and stage production and entertainment (But I'd never tell anyone out loud. Sounds too egotistical) I just want to help. Unfortunately, not everyone wants it.

I have lately been getting the impression my advice isn't really wanted as much as I like to dish it out, so I might try to reign it in a bit. Keep this shit to myself. Start charging for it.... but creative consultant? It seems all too damned silly if yah ask me.

Bleah.

Bizzaro.

So tonight while in the shower I considered putting out a DVD on my own advancements in the art of multiplying balls. I need to find out if anyone would be interested in it.

I think I would call it Mitosis.

Bizzaro.

It's weird. A lot of people tell me I am creative and original etc... tho' I look at my show and realize I use a fair amount of props, ideas, and gags that have been around for ages. Is it because I dress them up nice, slap some make-up on em', and take them out for a nice night on the town?

Is it because I am not using linking rings, and cups and balls, and doing the same standard magic in a suit and tie? Is it because I focus more on the presentation than the tricks themselves?

I honestly have NO idea... but I guess I am doing something right.

Might as well keep doing it.

Bizzaro.

Doing these weekly gigs gives one time to reflect during the week. Tonight I got to wondering if my show is really any better than any other show in this town. I can't hold a candle to Mac King, however, my angle is nothing like his. My show is a one act play almost.

Problem is I don't think much of what I do. I don't mean I lack faith in my skills or art, I just don't think positive nor negative about what I do. It's just what I do and I do what I do. (Hmmm, I feel one word away from being a greenery eating sailor) So I sometimes question what makes me and my show just so damn special or worthy.

Like, why should anyone care about me and my little corner of the world yah know? I suppose that is not for me to question and just accept that people will like what I do.. or not. Tis' the nature of the spinning globe.

I sally forth regardless. There might be more creative guys out there or better performers, but hey, none of them are me yah know?

Suppose that will have to do.

Bizzaro.

I like to be creative. Simple enuff right?

It's why I have so many interests. I need to stay creative or I start scouting clock tower locations and pricing rifles. I truly enjoy the problem solving that comes with creating new magic. Same goes for video editing and graphic design. When you think of something and go, "Now how would I do this" (Not not how do you do this, but how do I do this.. big difference there) and then go forth with reckless abandon and make something that is truly your vision, it's a good feeling.

It's also the reason I like to help other people in magic. I like to help other create. Give them ideas and whatnot. I like to offer up advice to total strangers when I have an amusing idea that might work for them. It's almost like a muscle that you need to work out with to make sure it stays in shape. I have ideas all the time that may not be right for me but could totally work for someone else... and I relish that. No one has to take my ideas or advice, but I will give them freely and gladly (usually).

It also helps me develop ideas for myself sometimes. Writing routines and shows and trick plots for someone gives me ideas as well. Creating new contraptions can give me a new mental rolodex index for something else I might need down the line.

So I like to create. It's what I do.

Too bad I can't color inside the lines still...

Bizzaro.

Sometimes something comes along to help you remember why you go thru the heartache and torment of trying to do something you love and believe in.

Don't give up on your dreams folks.

It's not worth it.

Bizzaro.

Today I have slipped boldly from angst to anger. The three stages of magic. The third remains to be seen.

Bizzaro.

No talking, just head...

I was talking to another performer today and it hit me. I don't think I have the right mind set to work in the entertainment business. I don't desire the same goals as other people. Money isn't my motivation. The things I want are just too... easy. I want to do something I enjoy and get paid to do it, and share it with someone.

I am doing that. However, I would like to do more of the former. I would like to work more, however I suck at the business side of things. I however do not desire a nice house or car or stacks of cash. Just wanna make a living. Nothing fancy required. Problem is, in this business that don't fly. You have to have goals, and projected income, and something that drives you other than... art.

So I am heavily considering just focusing my interests in a new direction and pursuing something else like voice acting. I just don't seem to be cut out for the games that people play in the business.

We shall see....

Bizzaro.

I can see clearly now..

The clouds are gone. They have descended upon me and devoured my dreams.

.. or some goth/emo shit like that. It's funny, I was thinking about something today whilst brushing my teeth. I realized I am a novelty novelty act. Magic is indeed a novelty to most people and my approach is even more so. To try and stand out in a sea of mediocrity is one thing, but to be lost in it is another. Sometimes being able to fit into a defined space... a neat tidy little box has it's advantages.

I watch performers like this and realize what I am up against. Not the magician himself but the world's perception of what I do for a living. I refuse to do the whole "lookit me, I'ma majishen" thing... and I'm not cute enuff to pull off dove magic. In all honesty, if I was willing to work as hard at the business side of things as I am the art side, I'd prolly be ok.

I don't try and second guess myself about what I do, but sometimes these things worm their way into your head and you have to ride it out. Doubt is the whorespring from which there is no return should you immerse yourself in it.

"These dreams go on when I close my eyes" - Heart

Bizzaro.