This last year has been a learning experience. I have put into motion putting out magic with three different reputable magic companies. I can say with absolute truth that self producing is by far the way to go. It's just a big ol hassle otherwise.

I have this strange feeling I am going to be one of the guys who helps make other people famous. Is it odd I don't really have a problem with that?

There are times I forget that magicians are first and foremost human so it shouldn't surprise me when they treat their fellow magic the way most humans treat their species. I suppose you add deception and the ability to lie easily you get people who can more so than others be two faced and only reach out to you when they want something without breaking stride.

Good thing I have a long memory I guess...

I'm getting damned sick of being the really creative guy no one will hire for anything.

I talked about this in my other journal but every time I see it, it makes me a little angry and sad. Magic companies rarely put the faces of the creators on the packaging. They want something that promotes the company, not the individual. This is an artistic freedom you give up anytime you decide to hand over your art to someone else. Sadly it seems I am guilty of this now. Lesson learned.

Sometimes when I try and describe to some magicians my artistic values and how they are more important than money I know they are looking at me like the RCA dog looks at a gramophone... and I feel sorta alone.

Sometimes I get a twinge of jealousy when I see other performers get cool gigs. However, I'm nor sure I would want to do them myself, just the experience must be fun.

Sometimes I wonder if I should just abandon what I love to work on things that will get me hired and then I realize I would rather die comfortable doing what i want than to live rich and busy doing something I will grow to loathe.

All in good time.

I recently found myself doing something I swore I never wanted to do.

That is bag on the younger generation of magi for being well.. retarded at times. I always said I wouldn't be "that guy" who thought magic was done in a certain way or style.

Just because I don't get it or understand it (or like it) doesn't mean I shouldn't be encouraging of whatever emo-hipster-etc props/music/ideals they use in their magic.

There has always been an elegance to magic and some minor practices I think should be upheld but the ones who want to will find it and it's not up to me to get annoyed and push what I think is "magic" on them.

Dammit I'm better than that.

Sometimes I just wanna give up....

But I can't.

There are days that make me wonder if I am doing everything wrong by doing it my way. My act I mean. The way I want to perform. I don't like the feeling of getting blown off just because someone doesn't "get" my material. I guess I believe in giving people a chance because so many people have never given me one. Some of that thankfully changed when I moved to Vegas, but not entirely.

To be fair I have to agree with something someone told me a while back: "You can't get every gig". It just sucks not to get one in your hometown when everyone else is.

I'm grateful when someone says I'm one of the more creative people they have seen in magic, but I never feel it's that big a deal. There are actually a LOT of creative people in magic. Some I feel far more clever than I. I'm just glad there are people who like what I do.

(Just to clarify I am not now nor ever down on what I do, I just don't think one way or the other about what I do. I am however confident in myself and my abilities.)