You know what's fun? To be completely ignored in any profession you decide to take on. It's the best.

 The more I see others successes, the more I realize I should hang up my fedora and just lay down and die. I don't have the damage or drive to do anything amazing. I will always be, as the kids say, Mid.This world rewards obsession and without it, one is doomed to just spinning their wheels. Being too "safe" gets you no where and the squeakiest of wheels with parental issues get the grease. 

I am already moving farther and farther away from the magic world and one day it will be a distant memory. After that who knows. Maybe I will just be one of those sad bastards on Twitch playing video games for 5 people.

I feel I will never create anything "great". I will always be a mediocre artist. That doesn't mean I won't try to make something great, but I know my limitations (mainly being myself) will always impede me. I am not damaged enough to make the world "love me".

I'm fairly fucking sick of the "pro" magic community pretty much ignoring me. It's getting old and it's just another log on the fire of why I am slowly walking away from magic and moving more towards the escape room business. I'm pretty fucking sterile from all the kicks to the balls I have had to endure in this business.

Sometimes I get really depressed and/or angry watching people who have little to no regard for magic or entertainment, stepping on others to get the fame/ attention they so desperately crave.

Then it just gets worse when I realize I will never go much further with my career because I am not motivated or damaged enough. On the upside I can sleep really well knowing I am not a scumbag taker who preys upon the generosity of others.

I think in the shower a lot. Tonight I realized that successful people are exploited people. They have some trait that make them desirable by others who want something from them. I clearly have nothing to exploit in the eyes of the world.

With that said, I have decided to stop expending my time and resources on my performing career. I will keep doing it but I won't "advertise" as it were. Call it a soft-retirement. I haven't been happy with my career or the state of the entertainment world in a couple years. Thus I have recently decided to instead focus on prop building. It brings me the same joy with less of the frustrations.

I feel I accomplished a lot of what I set out to do with magic and it's time to do other things. Guess it's time to see where that takes me. Might not write here for a while because of this decision but we'll see.

There are days I feel like I am just mediocre at a lot of things and don't excel in any one thing.

Today is one of those days.

I spent so long being a nobody in this business that it's kinda odd to be "somebody" at a magic convention.

Praise always makes uncomfortable sometimes.

I think I finally realized why I won't go much further in my career than others.

I'm far too helpful.

The reason I am even in this business is not to stroke an ego or have a feeling of power over others. I genuinely like to entertain others and make them happy. The audience and I have a nice symbiotic  relationship that way. The problem lies in that almost ALL successful performers are very self-centric. They are singularly focused on their career so they don't ever think to ask if they can hlep others. They generally only contact others when they need something (or when you distract them with a phone call asking if they wanna get food) It's not usually their fault either. They don't know they are doing it. They are just so used to it and pinpoint focused they can't see past the blinders they have placed upon themselves.

I'm too willing to help make stuff for others and do things because I like doing it (and it's a nice side business). This is why I can't get much further then I have... well that and the being shitty at business.

I'm not going to point out the irony of the fact I use this band's song to open my silent act but... I suddenly feel like a mentalist predicting my own future.

The worst part about it seeming like no one likes what you do is no one will tell you why.

Is it too weird, is it your outfit or do you just suck.

The world may never know.

A confession...

I'm pretty sure I will never be considered a top-tier performer.

Why do you think that you might ask? Lack of opportunities. I didn't come up with a particular group of performers. No one will take a chance on my style of act very often. I suck at the business side of it all because my passion does not lie in that direction.

I see many great performers who have honed their material because they have been able to get out there and work constantly (or close to it). I fear I will forever wallow in mediocrity for the rest of my career because I just haven't gotten lucky or applied myself properly.

Does it suck? yes. Is a chunk of it my own damn fault? Absolutely. Have I come to grips with it and that means I am just gonna give up? Fuck no.

It's just damned depressing some nights.

The longer I am in magic the more and more irritated I get by magicians and just want to do my own thing and shy away from everyone else in my "profession".

A friend of mine has told me a couple times that I should be more like one person or the other. The problem is that those other unnamed people already exist. These kind of comments are taken with a grain of salt when said person who told me this can't make-up their own mind on who THEY are.

The problem is they want to be like other people and so they try to urge others to not be themselves as it were.

I hate magicians sometimes...

I wonder if anyone would notice if I just silently dropped out of the magic world entirely...

Well fuck me...

Just got told by a higher up in a venue here that my performances lack polish. This is quite upsetting after 20+ years of performing. Makes one want to just quit and cancel all your upcoming gigs.

Nothing fucks up my day more than waking up to an email that effectively says "You're not good enough". If this was 10 years or so ago I'd be pissed. Now I'm just depressed.

Not so much because he said it but because now I am forced to think they might be right...

If you do kids parties or the like, you are not one of my peers and I refuse to be judged by you.

I fear I might forever be lost behind the scenes....

It's good to know that even the hobbyist magicians in other countries are shallow jerks.

I suppose the biggest fear when releasing a new magic product is that no one will like it. (Well for me at least. I suppose the real fear of most people is that it won't make any money)

This week I am relieved that the last product I planned to put out with a 3rd party company is out. The grand experiment has concluded and it's failure it has succeeded. I learned a lot from it but as with most lessons... at what cost?