There are days that make me wonder if I am doing everything wrong by doing it my way. My act I mean. The way I want to perform. I don't like the feeling of getting blown off just because someone doesn't "get" my material. I guess I believe in giving people a chance because so many people have never given me one. Some of that thankfully changed when I moved to Vegas, but not entirely.

To be fair I have to agree with something someone told me a while back: "You can't get every gig". It just sucks not to get one in your hometown when everyone else is.

I'm grateful when someone says I'm one of the more creative people they have seen in magic, but I never feel it's that big a deal. There are actually a LOT of creative people in magic. Some I feel far more clever than I. I'm just glad there are people who like what I do.

(Just to clarify I am not now nor ever down on what I do, I just don't think one way or the other about what I do. I am however confident in myself and my abilities.)

I have never been the kind of performer who craves applause. I'm not in this business for the gratification or acceptance.

That being said getting lots of applause always makes me uneasy. I don't know what to do. Standing there and smiling like an idiot feels weird. I know yer supposed to bask in it because they want to reward you in the way they are supposed to but it totally throws me.

I wonder if other performers go thru this?

Does it make me a bad person that when some person who is in the position as an act booker for various venues (who has denied me a job because my act isn't full of doves or linking rings) dies I think, "Good. One less close minded bastard gone"?

Even if it does I don't care. These people who just want to keep bringing in the same old crap into conventions and venues has to stop. You want younger people at your gatherings? Hire some fresh blood you idiots!

I'm not bitter I swear.

Sometimes it sucks feeling like or being the most professional person on a project. Is it too much to ask for good lighting, visibility, and maybe some sound cues?

The magic business is a fickle whore. They love you for as long as it takes for the next new thing to come out. We are flooded with so much crap I sometimes wonder why I even bother to put out my ideas.

The worst part is the way to get known in magic now is to release products. Just load up the shotgun, fire, and see what sticks. It doesn't all have to be good.

It's kind of dis-heartening. What ever happened to good old fashioned talent? Pretty sure the internet bears the burden of some of the blame.

I just saw a magic show that made me question why I do what id o. Not because it was good, but because it was that bad.

Is this what I am up against? Those with the biggest bank account survive? Those with the hackiest act sand best promo make the top of the pile?

Moments of doubt flood my mind. Brain beavers damning up my thoughts.