Sometimes when I try and describe to some magicians my artistic values and how they are more important than money I know they are looking at me like the RCA dog looks at a gramophone... and I feel sorta alone.

Sometimes I get a twinge of jealousy when I see other performers get cool gigs. However, I'm nor sure I would want to do them myself, just the experience must be fun.

Sometimes I wonder if I should just abandon what I love to work on things that will get me hired and then I realize I would rather die comfortable doing what i want than to live rich and busy doing something I will grow to loathe.

All in good time.

I recently found myself doing something I swore I never wanted to do.

That is bag on the younger generation of magi for being well.. retarded at times. I always said I wouldn't be "that guy" who thought magic was done in a certain way or style.

Just because I don't get it or understand it (or like it) doesn't mean I shouldn't be encouraging of whatever emo-hipster-etc props/music/ideals they use in their magic.

There has always been an elegance to magic and some minor practices I think should be upheld but the ones who want to will find it and it's not up to me to get annoyed and push what I think is "magic" on them.

Dammit I'm better than that.

Sometimes I just wanna give up....

But I can't.

There are days that make me wonder if I am doing everything wrong by doing it my way. My act I mean. The way I want to perform. I don't like the feeling of getting blown off just because someone doesn't "get" my material. I guess I believe in giving people a chance because so many people have never given me one. Some of that thankfully changed when I moved to Vegas, but not entirely.

To be fair I have to agree with something someone told me a while back: "You can't get every gig". It just sucks not to get one in your hometown when everyone else is.

I'm grateful when someone says I'm one of the more creative people they have seen in magic, but I never feel it's that big a deal. There are actually a LOT of creative people in magic. Some I feel far more clever than I. I'm just glad there are people who like what I do.

(Just to clarify I am not now nor ever down on what I do, I just don't think one way or the other about what I do. I am however confident in myself and my abilities.)

I have never been the kind of performer who craves applause. I'm not in this business for the gratification or acceptance.

That being said getting lots of applause always makes me uneasy. I don't know what to do. Standing there and smiling like an idiot feels weird. I know yer supposed to bask in it because they want to reward you in the way they are supposed to but it totally throws me.

I wonder if other performers go thru this?