I think in the shower a lot. Tonight I realized that successful people are exploited people. They have some trait that make them desirable by others who want something from them. I clearly have nothing to exploit in the eyes of the world.

With that said, I have decided to stop expending my time and resources on my performing career. I will keep doing it but I won't "advertise" as it were. Call it a soft-retirement. I haven't been happy with my career or the state of the entertainment world in a couple years. Thus I have recently decided to instead focus on prop building. It brings me the same joy with less of the frustrations.

I feel I accomplished a lot of what I set out to do with magic and it's time to do other things. Guess it's time to see where that takes me. Might not write here for a while because of this decision but we'll see.

There are days I feel like I am just mediocre at a lot of things and don't excel in any one thing.

Today is one of those days.

I spent so long being a nobody in this business that it's kinda odd to be "somebody" at a magic convention.

Praise always makes uncomfortable sometimes.

I think I finally realized why I won't go much further in my career than others.

I'm far too helpful.

The reason I am even in this business is not to stroke an ego or have a feeling of power over others. I genuinely like to entertain others and make them happy. The audience and I have a nice symbiotic  relationship that way. The problem lies in that almost ALL successful performers are very self-centric. They are singularly focused on their career so they don't ever think to ask if they can hlep others. They generally only contact others when they need something (or when you distract them with a phone call asking if they wanna get food) It's not usually their fault either. They don't know they are doing it. They are just so used to it and pinpoint focused they can't see past the blinders they have placed upon themselves.

I'm too willing to help make stuff for others and do things because I like doing it (and it's a nice side business). This is why I can't get much further then I have... well that and the being shitty at business.

I'm not going to point out the irony of the fact I use this band's song to open my silent act but... I suddenly feel like a mentalist predicting my own future.

The worst part about it seeming like no one likes what you do is no one will tell you why.

Is it too weird, is it your outfit or do you just suck.

The world may never know.

A confession...

I'm pretty sure I will never be considered a top-tier performer.

Why do you think that you might ask? Lack of opportunities. I didn't come up with a particular group of performers. No one will take a chance on my style of act very often. I suck at the business side of it all because my passion does not lie in that direction.

I see many great performers who have honed their material because they have been able to get out there and work constantly (or close to it). I fear I will forever wallow in mediocrity for the rest of my career because I just haven't gotten lucky or applied myself properly.

Does it suck? yes. Is a chunk of it my own damn fault? Absolutely. Have I come to grips with it and that means I am just gonna give up? Fuck no.

It's just damned depressing some nights.