I feel I will never create anything "great". I will always be a mediocre artist. That doesn't mean I won't try to make something great, but I know my limitations (mainly being myself) will always impede me. I am not damaged enough to make the world "love me".

I'm fairly fucking sick of the "pro" magic community pretty much ignoring me. It's getting old and it's just another log on the fire of why I am slowly walking away from magic and moving more towards the escape room business. I'm pretty fucking sterile from all the kicks to the balls I have had to endure in this business.

Sometimes I get really depressed and/or angry watching people who have little to no regard for magic or entertainment, stepping on others to get the fame/ attention they so desperately crave.

Then it just gets worse when I realize I will never go much further with my career because I am not motivated or damaged enough. On the upside I can sleep really well knowing I am not a scumbag taker who preys upon the generosity of others.

I think in the shower a lot. Tonight I realized that successful people are exploited people. They have some trait that make them desirable by others who want something from them. I clearly have nothing to exploit in the eyes of the world.

With that said, I have decided to stop expending my time and resources on my performing career. I will keep doing it but I won't "advertise" as it were. Call it a soft-retirement. I haven't been happy with my career or the state of the entertainment world in a couple years. Thus I have recently decided to instead focus on prop building. It brings me the same joy with less of the frustrations.

I feel I accomplished a lot of what I set out to do with magic and it's time to do other things. Guess it's time to see where that takes me. Might not write here for a while because of this decision but we'll see.

There are days I feel like I am just mediocre at a lot of things and don't excel in any one thing.

Today is one of those days.

I spent so long being a nobody in this business that it's kinda odd to be "somebody" at a magic convention.

Praise always makes uncomfortable sometimes.

I think I finally realized why I won't go much further in my career than others.

I'm far too helpful.

The reason I am even in this business is not to stroke an ego or have a feeling of power over others. I genuinely like to entertain others and make them happy. The audience and I have a nice symbiotic  relationship that way. The problem lies in that almost ALL successful performers are very self-centric. They are singularly focused on their career so they don't ever think to ask if they can hlep others. They generally only contact others when they need something (or when you distract them with a phone call asking if they wanna get food) It's not usually their fault either. They don't know they are doing it. They are just so used to it and pinpoint focused they can't see past the blinders they have placed upon themselves.

I'm too willing to help make stuff for others and do things because I like doing it (and it's a nice side business). This is why I can't get much further then I have... well that and the being shitty at business.